Sometimes...

Sometimes I really wish I didn't have feelings and my own self-conscious so that I can be a robot following every 100% of what my mom ask me to do.. ask me to be a kind of person she wants...

I dunno if my friends look me as a spoiled child since the only thing they know is I'm the last child and since all my elder siblings are all married and have their own life now, so they (my friends) might think I'm the one who get all the pampers and oh-so-called-love from my parents... *sigh*

Sometimes I really envy one of my friend who is very close to her mother and her little sisters... she can tell everything and cry to her mom without worrying to get any discomfort/uneasy feelings from her mom... But me? sometimes (I think most of the time) I feel worry whether to tell problems to my mom or not.. I always have to do 'screen test' of all my problems before deciding whether to tell her or not...and most of the time I think I won't tell her... I dunno.. maybe it's because she's the type who will reply '10' things if I only ask/tell '1' thing. (I know that sentence sounds funny.. but I took it from my language's sentence; kiter tanye/cakap sepatah die jawab 10.. ~_~ )
Not that I'm not grateful having 'that kind' of mother but maybe I'm getting bored with it...I'm getting dizzy and dizzy with her 'most of the time lectures...' I know if anyone who knows what kind of my mom is, I bet they will say "u r lucky to have a mom like that', "ur mom is good she knows all good things" and bla bla bla...

There are more things about how I feel about my mom (not only the lectures things) but I guess I won't tell more.. It's just that I just dunno myself.. maybe I feel the love she's giving me is the 'love' to push me to be 100% of what she wants.. if I'm just giving out my opinions a little, she seems upset and then start to say that I'm rebelling her.. I do admit that sometimes I will talk back to her, saying my opinions and my disagree.. but I never said it with harsh and loud tones.. I just said it with low timid voice.. I know in my religion we the children even can't say even words like "ah!" , or "Hmmph" to parents but still... sometimes it will blurted out from our mouths accidentally... I guess everyone has their ego and stubbornness....

that's why I really wish I didn't have feelings and my own self-conscious so that I can be a robot following every 100% of what my mom ask me to do.. ask me to be a kind of person she wants...

I do believe everyone (especially teenagers) have their kind of own problems with their parents.... but I just dunno what to say about mine anymore...

PS: and I'm just laughing at myself when some of my friends said "You didn't eat so often at home but always eat so often at hostel/dorm's cafeteria??? lolz u r weird.."

(that's because your mom still cooks foods for you 3 times a day.. me? cooks 1 time a day and then eating the same food for the rest of the day.. or maybe it will be tomorrow's foods... and yeah that's why I eat too much when I'm at hostel's cafeteria because there are many foods there.... not that I cannot cook for myself while at home but maybe it feels different when you have to do ur own cooking even you're at home.... I mean your parents' home.. not that my mom is working anymore.. she's already retired but she has other more important things to do than the home's things....)

so don't feel weird if you don't see me getting bigger and chubby after we meet again after a long holiday...lolz


aaah I don't believe it I think most of the my journals are all emo things.. I wish I have something fun to happen so that I can write it here. lolz